


A Bird and a Rat Basher

by orphan_account



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Charlie's a cis girl in this, F/F, and dee is a confused gay, confused as to how charlie gets so much puss smelling like a sewer and shes alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 10:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11598870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dee does not have a crush on Charlie. She's just confused as to how queer women are somehow drawn to Charlie, where she can't even get a date without someone's boyfriend tagging along asking for a threesome.





	A Bird and a Rat Basher

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SunnyRarePairs](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SunnyRarePairs) collection. 



> Promt: 
> 
> Ambiguously-queer, always-a-cis-girl!Charlie is a magnet for girls. Queer women simply can't get enough of her soft butch charm. Dee doesn't get it. At all. Until finally she does.
> 
> Bonus points: Charlie is exactly as she is in the show: she dresses, talks, and smells the same. The only difference is that she's a cis woman.

 

Dee appreciated the simple things in life, both from herself and a potential partner. A fridge full of beers, a pack of cigarettes and some goddamn peace and quiet. Two out of three ain't bad, she admits, as she sits on a lumpy barstool and tries to block out the sounds of her asshole friends arguing over something ridiculous, no doubt. 

She was just beginning to zone out whatever the gang were talking about when a foul smell assaulted her nose.  _Charlie_. 

Charlie Kelly was, to put it simply, disgusting. She spent half her life in the sewers, and the other half bashing rats and huffing whatever chemicals she could find around the bar. With such a busy schedule of hanging down under the bridge and trying to communicate with feral alley cats, it was understandable she wouldn't have time for things like showering, or changing her clothes, or even putting down her prized possession- the well used rat stick. 

Charlie walked behind the bar, grabbing a beer for herself and instinctively sliding another over the bar for Dee. She then proceeded to open the beer bottle with her teeth. Dee winced.

"Jesus Charlie, didn't Mac pull out four of your teeth a while ago?" Dee said, curling her lip as the general Charlie-scent wafted her way with the breeze. 

"Mac only pulled out one. I got the other few, but really  _pulled_ is the wrong word. They kind of just-" Charlie made a vague gesture and took a sip of beer. "fell out." 

Before Dee could explain the basics of dental hygiene to Charlie, two women walked into the bar. Dennis and Frank turned at the sound of female voices, before shaking their heads upon seeing the two women. It was clear that these women would not be interested in either man, or men in general, and the unofficial rule was if there wasn't a chance either could gain anything sexually, it was up to Dee or Charlie to handle the women.   
Seeing as Charlie was already behind the bar, she greeted the women sitting down.   
The two women weren't Dee's type, per say, but she could appreciate them nonetheless. The women, however, weren't taking any notice of Dee, rather their full attention focused on Charlie. 

"You two want a beer? I really hope you say yes, because that's the one thing that I can serve. I'm not a bartender." 

The women chuckled and Charlie furrowed her eyebrows, clearly confused at the reaction. 

"A beer is fine. For me and my friend." The taller of the women said, a redhead wearing a flannel under a worn denim jacket. Dee rolled her eyes, they looked like the most stereotypical lesbians one could imagine. 

"So, do you always work behind the bar?" The shorter woman asked, her short blonde hair flopping over her eyes as she turned her head to look at Charlie. 

"I'm a janitor. But I also bash rats, and fix stuff." 

"That's nice." The redhead said. 

Dee watched as Charlie obliviously flirted with the women, talking about her favourite of the alley cats and general ramblings, the women hanging on her every word. They only stayed until they'd finished their beers, but wrote their numbers on a napkin, which Charlie accepted, cluelessly. 

"Why'd they give me their numbers? Do they want me to go and snake their toilets?" 

Dee rolled her eyes, tapping the ash from her cigarette onto the bar. "No Charlie, they wanted to go out with you."

Charlie blinked a few times, shaking her head. She then used the napkin to wipe up some of Dee's ash, effectively destroying the two numbers written. 

"Well I don't want to go out with either of them. I've got that thing with the waitress." 

"You don't have 'a thing' with the waitress, you're stalking the woman!" Dee squawked, resenting the accuracy of the gang's constant bird comparisons.

Charlie chuckled, and finished off her beer. "You clearly don't understand love, Sweet Dee."

Before Dee had a chance to retaliate, Charlie had walked off, probably to do something depraved.

 

 

After another failed date, this one with a woman named Jessica who worked at an insurance company but had dreams of being a singer, Dee slumped down on her bed and let her mind wander.   
For some reason, she ended up thinking about Charlie. How could  _Charlie_ , of all people, be such a magnet for sapphic women, Dee wondered.   
All lack of general hygiene and illiteracy aside, she was first of all, really short. It was a long running joke that when Mac and Dennis played basketball she was forced into the position of referee despite her protests, and Dee had often thought that her and Frank didn't have much difference in height.   
Also she had a ridiculously high voice, which was simultaneously hoarse, sounding like a chain smoking child, and it went up about three octaves when she was worked up, which was pretty much all the time.

Charlie was essentially feral, Dee thought, remembering the time she'd come back on Christmas with Mac, covered in blood, where Mac had pulled her and Dennis aside and whispered something about her mother being a prostitute and fucking santa, and to not mention anything about either topics because Charlie would probably go apeshit and murder them all. 

With a jump Dee realised that she'd been thinking about Charlie for way too long. How had she gotten into her head? Her dumb freckle covered face and weirdly good musical skills and surprisingly soft hair which she pulled up in a little ponytail and-

"I need a goddamn drink." 

Dee stood up, going to the kitchen where she grabbed a bottle of the cheap whiskey she kept on the bench, not bothering with a glass. The burn was nothing new to her, but she spluttered and gagged a little regardless. 

"Hey Dee, are you in there?" Her door opened and there she was. Smelling as awful as always, in the same clothes she'd been wearing for God knows how long, smiling crookedly and lying on the couch like she owned the place. 

"Why are you here, Charlie?" Dee said, her throat sore from the whiskey leaving her voice strained. 

"Dunno. Wanna watch a movie?" She picked up the remote and flipped through the channels on Dee's TV, stopping on a movie the gang had seen at least a hundred times, prompting Dee to roll her eyes. Dee probably had eye strain from the sheer amount of eye rolls the gang caused her, and if she has to go to the optometrist she's getting Frank to pay for it, goddamnit. 

"We watched Reservoir Dogs last week, remember?" 

"Of course I remember, it's the best movie! The greatest scene is when Mr Blue has the cop tied up and starts dancing-" Charlie starts moving her shoulders and singing a few bars of Stuck in the Middle with You under her breath. 

"Well I don't want to watch it again! What about a dumb rom com or something stupid like that?" Dee had realised that she'd accidentally agreed to Charlie's proposition of watching a movie together, and groaned internally.   
Charlie scrunched her nose at the mention of rom coms, putting the remote down deliberately out of Dee's reach. 

"No way. We're watching Reservoir Dogs or get out."

"You're in my apartment, Charlie!" 

Charlie shrugged and Dee accepted defeat, sitting on the couch, not before forcing Charlie's legs out of the way. Throughout the course of the movie, they'd both consumed copious amounts of alcohol and had gotten more than a little tipsy. 

"You know what I don't get, Charlie?" Dee slurred, long limbs sprawled across the couch, almost intertwined with Charlie's. "How women always want to fuck you. You're like a gay magnet, or something, I swear." 

Charlie laughed. "What, you jealous, Dee? I'm here drowning in women and you're struggling to get a date?" Dee smacked her arm, choosing not to answer. 

"I just don't get it. You smell like shit. Plus you are seriously weird."

Charlie shrugged, unfazed by the statements, and moved herself so she was sitting upright on the couch. Dee did the same, the room spinning a little as she did so. 

"It ain't fair. And you don't even care! You just want the waitress who hates your-" Dee pauses to stifle a burp unsuccessfully, "-guts." 

"I just don't want to meet someone entirely new," Charlie slurs, taking another sip of beer. "You said it yourself, I'm the weirdest person ever probably. How's some chick gonna know me?" 

"I know you"

"Yeah, but you're Dee."

Dee's not sure who moves in first, but suddenly their lips are crashing together in a drunk, sloppy mess. Charlie grips Dee's arms awkwardly, and Dee cups Charlie's face. As they break away, Dee's nose is aware of how close she is to Charlie, and she recoils. 

"You seriously have to shower." 

Charlie grins, wiggling her eyebrows. "You wanna join?" To which Dee snorts. 

"Have you seen the size of my shit hole shower?" 

"So you're saying that if your shower were bigger, or if I were cleaner, you'd be down for banging?"

Dee responds by kissing Charlie's cheek and nodding. 

Okay, the girl was cute. But she really needed to have a shower. And learn how to read.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I did okay! I don't really consider myself a writer, but I saw the prompt and thought why not, lmao.


End file.
